"Do or do not. There is no try." - yoda

I have a job now! Woot! Accompanying at Tech, and playing for some high schools. Also, a gig as accompanist for a musical in town. All in all, not a bad life to have while I take voice lessons and reapply to grad schools. At least I'm no longer an unemployed bum, and I'm using my skills and my degree!

Still no job yet. ARG. New opportunity has presented itself though. I may be an accompanist for high school here in town, and I'll probably play for some kids at Tech as well. Hope all that goes well. We'll see. Beyond that, ALMOST completely done unpacking. Finally. That's all. Life is dull, and job searching sucks majorly.

Still no job. I do have a lead on a new accompanying gig with a possibility to teach voice as well. I hope that works out. In the meantime, I'm once again annoyed and frustrated. Some article about the "pragmatic young people" who made up the core of Obama's constituency in the fall and how they are not interested in the healthcare debate, and how if they were motivated in the right way they'd jump on in and help him get it done. While I do admit that many folks in my age bracket did in fact vote for him, I still don't think most of them are "pragmatic" or at all logical. And I resent being grouped in with them. I consider myself more pragmatic than most, and I certainly didn't vote for Obama. I do care about the healthcare debate, but I simply don't think it has to be a major overhaul. You don't always have to totally destroy something to change it.

Aside from the fact that he still doesn't seem to know what he's doing, Obama just keeps on talking and to be quite honest I am tired of hearing it. And then of course whenever something seems to start going sour for him, he brings up some new "investigation" of things that happened during the Bush administration. Nice smokescreen tactic, but seriously, he says that he wants to look forward, not back, but is quite happy to look in the rearview mirror (albeit a skewed and foggy one) when looking forward isn't working quite so well for him. I find it hard to believe that anyone still buys this. And time after time, Obama is stabbing our intelligence community in the back. Interrogation is not pretty, and no enemy of ours is going to simply spill his guts about what he knows if we are being all nice and asking politely. "Excuse me, Mr. Terrorist, I know that you killed dozens of people, but I just wanted to make sure your suite was to your liking. Can I get you anything, a towel, a massage, a room service menu? And while we're on the subject, could you tell me all about your operations so that I can thwart your attacks? No? Ok then, that's fine, just enjoy your caviar."

It is so funny how all these articles comment on the tactics of the Democrats and the Republicans. Democrat tactics are written about as "regrettable necessities", and not really painted as politics. They're just trying to move forward, and they're struggling with those horrible crazy right-wing folks. Republican tactics are painted as "seizing political opportunities", as if they have no real merit beyond politics. Fair? I think not. Say what you will, but FOX News, conservative station that it may be, does in fact present FAIR AND BALANCED coverage. I've seen more objective journalism there than on CNN or MSNBC. Let's face it, both Republicans and Democrats use various tactics to get their way. Shall we try to report on BOTH of them in the same manner? Democrats are not these holy martyrs who are just crusading for the greater good - they are human beings who can be just as selfish, petty, short-sighted, and lacking in common sense as the rest of us. The same can be said of Republicans - we are ALL human. But from my view, it seems that the Republicans generally have a better grasp of reality and things that need to be done, whereas the Democrats are all about image, with nothing concrete behind it. You can't go back and change a viewpoint you had several years ago simply because you held that view at a time when it was popular, and now that it's not you want to say different. I'll take substance, thanks.

Still the debate carries on in the confirmation of Sotomayor for Supreme Court Justice. My one question is this: why is it up for consideration that she'd be the first Hispanic on the bench? How does that have any relevance to her ability as a judge? By nominating her, Obama basically invites this sort of race-minded politics, rather than fair and balanced assessment of ability. Being "historic" should not enter the decision process. We should not be thinking about the fact that she'd be the first, but if she'd be good at the job. I'm not being racist when I say this, but I firmly believe a big part of the reason Obama won was people having a desire to "make history" by electing an African American president rather than people actually voting intelligently. And look at where we are now, eight months in, and are faced once again with a similar situation. If you support her, you're fine, but if you don't - regardless of the reason - you must be racist. "Oh, don't oppose her, or you'll alienate the Hispanic vote...", etc. Running a country is about more than being elected. Any good parent will tell you, sometimes you have to do something that will make you unpopular with the kids to achieve a greater good. Instead we've got a president who seems to demonstrate with each passing week that he really is in way over his head, and that aside from charisma at the podium, he's got nothing else to offer us as a leader. And once again, the economy cannot be blamed on Bush, or "those horrible Republicans". Rather, it is based on some of the worst vices of human nature that are present in us all: stupidity, greed, and a general lack of common sense. It's easy to pass the buck and blame someone else, but we should all take stock and realize that we can't always point the finger. Yes, some people were taken advantage of, and that is wrong, but some people just didn't think when someone sold them a bill of goods. Until we stop being petty and realize that Obama is trying to take our country in a very wrong direction, we are simply sheep being led by a wolf to a decidedly messy fate.

Lately, social calendar is booked with hanging out with friends before they leave town. And hanging with friends who will still be in town, come to think of it. Job search still in progress, although some new leads on jobs in the school of music seem like promising prospects. Fingers crossed, I'd really love to work there! Depending on the job, I might be here more than one year, it's all up in the air. Moving is something I hate to do, but I'm finishing it up this week. Basically my last week in the apartment. Kinda sad, I like this place. New adventures await, though, so we'll see. This weekend Guys and Dolls is on tap, so I have to get baking (always make something for the cast when I go). Also helping out a friend picking music for her senior recital. Life is, well, life.

Post graduation life is still kinda dull. Still on the job hunt, trying to plan out the year. Audition music is a work in progress - I've found some great stuff, but I need more. Not much else to report. Babysitting crabs and fish is not that exciting - if only it was a dog. Dishes await.

So...updates: living situation straightened out for next year, still job searching. I'll be in a house with 2 roommates next year. I was looking for my own apartment, but I got a call about this house, and since the two others are good friends of mine, it turned out to be a pretty awesome deal. I'll have all summer to move in, which is nice. The job hunt is frustrating, but I'm just waiting and applying, and seeing what happens.

On another note, I'm continually frustrated with our illustrious president and his folk. He is great at appointing people to jobs so that they can tell other people what they need to get done. Case in point, he is going to appoint a "technology czar", to deal with security of computer systems and such. A needless, useless bureacratic position! We KNOW that security is important. Adding a government position to tell us this is pointless! Yet another example of how he is bankrupting the country by inflating the government and throwing money at problems instead of solving them. I can't believe that people still think he's wonderful. I mean, he has done nothing but make matters worse, and in the process is selling out our country every chance he gets. He says he's proud of being American, but he is always pandering to other countries and never hesitates to be critical of our policies, even when they have been successful.

And of course, the media loves him. He's their baby, and they would never actually report honestly, because that could make him look bad - or at least like the inept bag of wind that he is. He talks a big game, but then doesn't deliver. It's so easy to point the finger, and say, those crazy conservatives, to blame Bush, but in reality, it's the stupidity of ordinary people that ruined the economy. They were told by liberal organizations that supposedly help people that they had certain entitlements, when in fact they did not. No one is entitled, everything must be earned. It doesn't matter if your ancestors were oppressed, or whatever. There are many periods in which the so-called "priviledged white folk" were oppressed throughout history (check your Irish history, for one), yet we are constantly expected to pay for mistakes made by people before we were even born! I'm sorry, but if we really are "race-blind", it shouldn't be a consideration in any debate, whether over the number of minority head football coaches, or choice of supreme court justices. We are supposedly equal, but the fact that these discussions come up says otherwise.

For a woman, a judge, to say that a: judges make policy (they don't, they just enforce it), and b: her experiences as a Hispanic woman make her better than a white man for the job, is blatantly wrong. First of all, she doesn't even know what her job is supposed to be, and on top of that, she's somewhat racist! A great test to see if you are saying something racist is to take the statement and pretend a white man said it. If it's racist from him, then it's racist period. Just because you rose from humble beginnings does not make you qualified to be a supreme court justice. We don't need someone on the bench who's got an inspirational story. We need someone who knows their job (which is NOT "making policy"), and who can do it well. She may be a great judge, I don't know, having never met her, but her nomination smacks of media-minded politics, rather than review of a resume.

My advice to Obama and his cronies is this: if you really want to help the country, stop posturing for the camera and get off your ass and do your job! Oh, and stop adding more managerial positions to run the country: just let people take care of their own shit! And stop depending on the teleprompter - clearly it can malfunction, and if you can't think on your feet in a speech, you really have no business running a country.

So now that another rant has passed...more normal update info. Slowly getting control of everything, working on the job situation and voice lessons start up again on Monday. Thankfully the cold is gone. I've taken time to be a bum, and now it's time to start looking ahead. Beginning the research process for grad school...again. This time I think I'll have a better handle on it, and since most of the paperwork is already done, I just need to polish it. And without school I'll have the time. Goals for summer: regular exercise (hopefully lose 20 lb at least), a clean apartment, find a new apartment, get a job, put together a new grad school audition cd (after choosing schools to which to apply), and get the ball rolling on the paperwork for those applications. That's kind of a lot, it seems now. Ah well. Here goes nothing... I've never (in my memory) NOT been in school, so this is a new adventure.

A lot has happened since February, now that I think of it. Senior recital, graduation, planning the next year...I can't believe I'm done with my undergrad. I'm trying to stay focused and plan, but it's proving difficult to really do much more than just be lazy. I need to get it together, so I'm hoping that blogging about it will help push me in that direction. On a completely different note, I am pretty fed up with the news media, and all their little Democrat friends. HOW long have we been reporting on this waterboarding crap?! TOO LONG!! We've got scheming politicians like Nancy Pelosi going back and forth on her story, depending on who's calling her on her BS. "Oh I didn't know at all", "I was mislead", "I knew, but not to the extent that they say I did", etc. You know, if you're honest to begin with, you don't have to backpedal and squirm out of tight corners. I hate this attitude that they are the big heroes who are coming in to save the country, when in fact they are still part of the reason we are where we are. It's convenient to blame Bush and Republicans, but lest we forget, these same Democrats that are acting all "holier than thou" were still in office, and they knew all the same information. After 9/11, they jumped right on that bandwagon and okayed all of these techniques (which when you get right down to it are not REALLY torture, as per international law). The American people at the time didn't really care, they just wanted results, and so of course it was all OK then. But now, when it's politically convenient, all these things are brought to light as if they had been part of a big conspiracy. I have to hand it to the Democrats, they do have great timing when it comes to pushing their own agenda. In fact, Nancy Pelosi is quoted as saying that her job is to get a Democratic majority/leadership elected. Not to defend the country, or represent her constituents, but to preserve her position and get more cronies in office! Maybe I'm naive, but I thought we elected leaders to represent us and look out for us, rather than their own re-election. Perhaps because she isn't good at anything BUT being a career politician, she has lost the ability to be honest and altruistic. It's easy to look back and say, "Well, y'all shouldn't have done that" and place blame now. However, where were these so-called morals and principles several years ago when this was going down? Because it was OK then, in light of the events, to get information by any means necessary. Because the American people wanted to be protected, and so it was politically advantageous to hold that view. However, now this is all part of political maneuvering to reinforce the Democratic position. There hasn't been any of the miraculous change promised by Obama and his ilk, and so to distract the public, this old news is dredged up and we try to misdirect attention. If we're concentrated on these supposed moral dilemmas, we won't focus on the fact that since his election, we've got more debt, a bigger deficit, and so much wasted money as we head toward a nice socialist society. It always looks great on paper, but application in the real world has never worked, and will never work. People are selfish by nature, and even the most altruistic, caring individual will at some point look out for themselves before others. So while we try to control companies through the government, we are driving business away and preventing the economy from helping itself. I'm so tired of the news media always reporting on liberal issues and ignoring stories that advocate a conservative cause. The tea parties staged a month ago were peaceful, effective demonstrations, and yet many news broadcasts characterized the protestors as crazy radicals and uninformed hicks. It's true, these were not experienced protestors...because they are USUALLY at work!! They protest now because they felt it was that important (as opposed to seasoned protestors who miss work on a regular basis and cost companies money to complain about trivial issues). The only news station that actually cares about conservative issues is FOX, and they are painted by other stations as crazy and biased (because of course NBC and CNN are totally unbiased...not!). I've watched broadcasts on all these channels, and in reality, it seems that FOX is far LESS biased than these others. It's so funny how liberals portray conservatives as backward and old-fashioned, a dying breed, and tell them that they need to be more liberal to stay relevant. Oddly, this group that says "Well, no one is really wrong, because everyone's views are ok" is so adamant that one group who sticks to its guns and disagrees is the exception. Everyone's all right, except for those crazy conservatives. They MUST be in the wrong, but any other viewpoint is ok. Ironic, really. I could go on and on, I'm that pissed, but you get the idea. So here are some parting words for Americans: STOP OBSESSING OVER ISSUES LIKE WATERBOARDING AND SUPPOSED ABUSES THAT OCCURED DURING WARTIME, AND INSTEAD FOCUS ON DOING YOUR JOB AND HELPING THE ECONOMY!!! WE CAN ALL WORK TOGETHER AND HELP SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, BUT NOT IF WE FOCUS ON STUPID NON-EXISTENT PROBLEMS AND IGNORE THE INEPT DEMOCRATIC LEADERSHIP WE HAVE ELECTED. And really, the American people who voted them into office have only themselves to blame when this system of socialism doesn't work.

I should be asleep, but I somehow can't. February is almost over, so the deadline to hear from Northwestern about grad school is fast approaching. I'm trying to ignore it, to lose myself in my other work. Believe me, there is plenty of it. Between Sweeney Todd, my senior recital, graduation, the Bach St. John Passion, and independent study, it's amazing I still have time to worry about the outcome of my live audition. And yet, somehow, I manage it. The audition process for Northwestern was definitely an emotional roller coaster. First, applying and hoping. Then after getting the other 3 very polite "thank you for your interest, but no" letters, I had really given up hope on Northwestern, expecting the same response. Then the week before the audition I got that magical email. "Your preliminary audition has been favorably reviewed...we invite you to campus for a live audition." I was floored, and suddenly I was back in the game. So after scrambling to get a plane ticket and hotel reservations and copy my music for the accompanist, I was more than a bit nervous, but ready to give it a shot. Three days before the audition, I get an email saying I can check my status through my application online. So I did, as a matter of form, and on THAT page it said I had NOT been accepted for a live audition! My heart stopped for a minute, and then I immediately called Northwestern and straightened it out. Luckily, that second email was a mistake! So the trip up to Chicago was uneventful, but on the way I could feel my nerves begin to mount. I had felt surprisingly calm, but once I boarded the plane, they began to simmer. I guess it was the reality of it: I was doing this, and I was doing it completely on my own. This is one of the first things I've ever done without having someone there cheering me on. I kept worrying that I had forgotten something critical, or that something would go wrong. In fact, as I just wrote that, I had a small heart attack as I remembered a musical background form I needed to bring with me, and thought for a second that I hadn't done so (although I did). So I got up there, and was fairly calm on the day of the audition - until I was standing outside the room, and when I walked onstage. It didn't help that the guy before me was a baritone as well, and he sounded AMAZING in my opinion. He also (I assume) had received his undergrad at Northwestern, as he knew the faculty, so he was completely relaxed! I can honestly say I have never been more terrified than when I walked onto the stage. The faculty was very welcoming and helped put me more at ease, but inside I was still a nervous wreck. I think I hid that, or a least I hope I did. So I sang, and they talked to me, and it was over and done. So much stress and worrying and preparation for an audition that lasted in total about 20 minutes. I was relieved to be finished, but also worried about how I had sounded, how I had performed, and how I had interviewed. I had prepared for the interview by thinking of sample questions and trying to answer them, but of course in the actual moment my mind lost all of that preparation. I had some brilliant answers AFTER the audition as I made my way back to the hotel, but I can only hope I didn't sound like a complete moron when I spoke to the faculty! Even now, I replay the whole audition and interview in my mind, analyzing it, finding weaknesses, wishing that this note or that word or that response could have been better, stronger, or something. I'm hopeful of course, but mostly just worried. As the day draws nearer, I find myself wishing it would arrive, but also dreading it. That letter or email will determine the immediate direction my life will take upon graduation. That letter could give me great hope, or be a great disappointment. It's funny to think that one little piece of paper (or email) can have such a great impact on my life. I want this more than anything, and I am determined to get there either this year or the next. I just hope it will be this year.

This has been an insane semester, as one might expect for senior year. I've surprised myself with success, to be honest. It's amazing what we can accomplish when we really work at something: NATS, The Medium, voice juries, my music history class... I think I never really expected things to turn out like they did. I've always been content to give it a try and come out somewhere in the upper middle: not the best, but not the worst either. This semester though, I've seen myself actually excelling at some things, which encourages me for the future in this field. This post is rather rambling, but that's my mind right now. I've just finished my fall semester of my senior year, and have almost finished sending off application materials and such to graduate schools. I'm not really sure what I feel. It's kind of that sense of just existing, without any clear direction. I don't have any pressing projects to work on, no deadlines, just a vague sense that I SHOULD be working on things. It's scary, knowing that for the first time in several years I don't know what I'll be doing next fall. Even in the uncertainty of senior year in high school, I knew I would be going to college somewhere. It was stressful, but there was never a doubt that it would happen somehow. Now, however, it is far more personal and terrifying. Graduate school is not a necessity (although for my continued vocal training, it is), and I have no guaranteed berth by being valedictorian or anything. I have sent of my applications and preliminary cds and such, and I can only hope. Hope for a live audition callback. If I don't get even that nibble, then I have to come up with a new plan. So, I don't even know if I will have the CHANCE to try out for grad school. At least with undergrad you were accepted for an audition with fewer (if any) preliminary requirements. Then after the live audition, if it happens, I have to wait to see if I get accepted and offered money. I can't afford it without substantial help (hoping for a TA-ship). Then on top of that, it's a new voice teacher (if all the other things happen in my favor). I've been lucky and simply landed in studios that have worked for me based on previous teacher's recommendations. I've never had a teacher that didn't work for me, and I worry that even if I do get a teacher I request, what if it doesn't work out? What if I spend a year and a half studying with someone only to find out I've wasted the time, simply because I wanted to give them a chance? How long does it take to figure out if a voice teacher works or doesn't? I don't want to negate the vocal progress I've made, especially this semester, in light of my operatic aspirations. This is the first time I've really felt like I really did have a shot at a professional career (not ready for it yet, but the potential is there), and I don't want to mess that up. AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Whew, that's a lot of stress. It's all there, simmering below the surface, and I hope I get answers soon.

Here I am in Germany. It's been almost a week over here, so I thought a quick post was in order. It's different, for sure, but largely the same once you adjust to the language. The weather is great! Nice and cool. There really aren't words to describe it all yet. We've seen operas, toured palaces, and even a Berlin bike tour, but there's so much more we're here to do. I'll do a proper update in a week or so perhaps, but right now all I can say is that Germany is a blast!

Leaving for Germany in a week. I can't believe it's actually coming up so soon. There's so much to get done before I leave! It always seems that when I'm awake at this point, just listening to music, I think. Sometimes deep thoughts, sometimes just random musings on anything, really. I've been starting research on graduate schools, and I have to say, it's more than a little intimidating. Part of me feels ready for this new challenge, while the other part is sad to be finishing out this current chapter in my life. Texas Tech has been a wonderful place that has allowed me to grow so much, and even though I've got a whole year left here, it feels like it will all be over too soon. Everyone says that you should move forward and not look back, that change is inevitable. It was only 3 years ago that I was going through the very same process that I'll be starting all over, applying to and auditioning for schools, hoping to not only get in, but to be offered some great scholarship as well. And then I think of all the other hopefuls who have the same hopes and dreams, the same wishes for the future. I feel that I am indeed pursuing what I'm meant to be doing, but how many others feel that too? I feel that I truly have something unique to offer musically and otherwise, but again, how many others are in the same boat? I worry one minute that I am just not good enough, and the next I worry that I may have the potential but that I won't reach it, and so on. Is my gut instinct just my mind playing tricks and telling me what I want to hear, or is it really pointing me in this direction? And then I think, in my pursuit of this goal which at times seems unreachable, am I forgetting or passing by other aspects of life that I should experience? Hanging out with friends, getting to know other people, and the like, are things that I've never been great at. Sure I hang out, but very few friends do I really KNOW, despite how much I may wish it to be otherwise. I look around and see friends who are in relationships (and then out of them), friends who are getting married, etc. I know that I'm not ready to be married for a while yet, but on the relationship front, I sometimes worry that I'm missing something. It's so easy to be "the friend". It's a place I'm used to, a place I like to be. There aren't complications, and I can just be. However, it would be nice to move beyond that and really experience a relationship. I haven't been in a relationship since high school (and let's be honest, I wasn't great at it back then). On the whole this hasn't bothered me, because I acknowledge that I've been very busy and that I need to focus on my career goals at the moment. On the same token though, that could very well turn into a convenient excuse for many years to come, even when it no longer is the case. I guess my big problem is the seeming lack of confidence I have in myself, to turn a crush into more than that. It's easy to just be a friend, and then I don't have to worry about rocking the boat. Do I just need to take the chance and risk it? That's the obvious answer, yet it's still very hard to act on it. Why am I pondering this now? Who knows? Why not? Leave it up to your own mind if you think I may have a particular girl in mind (I'll keep that bit to myself). All I know is, there are many things I want to do before I graduate, and I hope I man up and make good on those plans.

I'm finally free of the dorms!! I just moved into the new apt. (University Courtyard, for you Lubbockites). It is pretty awesome. I have my own kitchen (cuz I'm nerdy and love to cook), and my own, well, EVERYTHING. It's great. I could of course get stuck with a roommate in the fall, but for now, I'm enjoying living alone. Still not all moved in yet (few boxes left), but meh. I also start my new job on Monday. Training was today. I am now "an Interviewing Agent for a Market Research Firm". In other words, I call folk and administer phone surveys. Not the dream job, but definitely flexible hours and good pay, so it's all worth it. So much is changing in my life right now, but it's all great: the new apartment, the new job, the trip to Germany, and future grad school plans. Hopefully all will go well this summer, including getting Germany all paid for. It's weird not being home, and yet not being in school. I'm just HERE. Part of getting older I guess.

School year is finally winding down. Can't believe that my junior year is essentially over. Uber-excited about Germany this summer! Hopefully I'll have some meaningful blogs then.

I should be asleep, but instead I'm online reading newspaper articles. I come across one that infuriates me beyond belief. Apparently, there are many so-called Catholic groups who are planning on raising major protests when the Pope visists the US in the hope that he will listen to their views and change the Vatican position on key issues. What issues, you may ask? Well let's see: gay marriage, women priests, sex abuse by priests, artificial contraception, and perhaps more. First off, it's rather shocking to see that these people have so little respect for the Pope that they think they can simply protest and push for their own views. One quote basically said that there already is a difference between the official church position (which Catholics are supposed to follow) and what many Catholics practice here (in relation to contraception), so the Church should simply change its views. Slight problem folks. The CHURCH IS THE PILLAR AND MAINSTAY OF THE TRUTH, not us. If they Church says DON'T PRACTICE CONTRACEPTION in some manner, it's not a choice (unlike the Pirate's Code, these rules are not "more like guidelines". A big issued I seem to observe with American Catholics is that many seem to think they are not subject to the authority of Rome. After all, we're Americans and we don't have to listen to anyone, because all the world should be democratic. Sorry, that's not how it works. In the Catholic Church, what Rome says, goes. If Rome says no, it shouldn't even enter the minds of Catholics to flout that authority. The fact that there IS a difference in practice and doctrine is a grave problem (again, a largely AMERICAN one). As to female priests, both Church tradition and Scripture go against it, so these nuns (and I use the term loosely) who are protesting perceived sexism need to back off and reexamine their Bibles and the writings of the fathers of the Church. Another point: Did Jesus have female Apostles? No. While we cannot control the issue of homosexuality, the Church is allowed to take a stance. It's really funny how people here are so quick to push their own views and ideas and say that we all have to agree because if we don't we're "intolerant", and yet, when these other ideas and views are expressed, WE'RE the ones who are wrong. It's a rather amusing paradox: there is no real right and wrong if the conservative Catholics are judging (because this is America and we are all entitled to our own lifestyles and what-not), but if the gay community or some other more "progressive" group says that the conservatives are wrong, well they sure must be. How can you say that this one group is wrong if you are quick to point out how WE can't judge when we say you're wrong? Catholics in America need to remember something: in religion, it's not a matter of being able to pick and choose what you believe and make up your own agenda. Catholic means universal, and we are all united in faith because we all believe what the Church teaches. Why do we believe that? Because Jesus himself said that he would be with his Church until the end of time, and that the truth would never leave it. And what is the only Church that can trace its lineage back directly to Jesus and the Apostles? THE CATHOLIC CHURCH!!! In America, it's all well and good to protest other things and pressure our own elected officials, because that's our system. The Catholic Church is not a democracy. Our clear head is the Pope. Yes, he is chosen by the bishops, but they don't poll their constituents to see what we'd like. They pray, and are led to their decision by God. It is not our place to try to push changes simply because we think they should happen. Just because many people do one thing doesn't mean we all have to. Does it never occur to people that the ways of the world are not the ones we should be following? If our goal is heaven, we shouldn't be phased by what happens here. I'm so livid about this arrogance on the part of these people that I can't even put it all into words! And as to the sex abuse by priests, I agree that this is a travesty and should be dealt with. However, the media is quick to ignore several things. First, incidents of sexual abuse are statistically much higher among Protestant youth ministers and the like (many of whom are married, proving that it solves nothing). Also, many of the priests accused could even be innocent (i.e. people jumping on the accusation band wagon hoping for money). One of the best ways to remedy some of this would be to completely restore the Latin mass and do away with the Novis Ordo. The priests in the Novis Ordo do next to nothing in Mass, and that could be a cause of identity crisis. They're treated like social workers, rather than holy men of God. In efforts to increase people's involvement in the service, their job has been delegated and so much of the symbolism and ritualistic significance has been reduced to superficial meaningless activity. I could go on and on, but I think I'll stop. I'm still seething about it all, but I can't put it all into words, so I'll go pray instead.

Recital is a week away, and I'm beginning to feel the nerves. Hopefully I'll be able to substitute 2 French art songs for the nearly impossible French aria. I'd rather SING stuff than simply SURVIVE it. It's a great program, and I just want it to go really well.

Today was not the best of days. First, I'm still fighting whatever I've got, although I feel fine. My voice is the problem. It's living down in the dungeon right now, and I can't put any kind of strength behind it. It's just weak and can't do anything. According to Dolter, my voice is a V8, and right now it's running on about 2 cylinders. ARG!! At least it's now and not in a few weeks when I'm supposed to be giving my recital. I just hope it all clears up in time for the opera (next weekend), and my hearing the week after that. Other bad news, Dr. Dickson is leaving. He told us today in choir, and it was a total shock. I've never heard a choir room get that quiet. He's going to be the dean of the music school at Mercer College (Macon, GA, fyi). I know it's a big step, and I'm sure it was a tough decision, but I am really bummed, and it only has begun to sink in now. He is the best choir director I've ever worked with, and I can't even begin to imagine choir at Tech without him. The offer came a few weeks ago, apparently, and he says that this is something that he feels he has to do. I respect that, and I admire his courage to go on to something new after being so successful for so long as a choral conductor. I wish him well, but it's just hard to process. In a way, it's a good thing for me, because leaving his choir was going to be one of the hardest things about graduating, but at the same time, I know next year will be very different without him. Life goes on, but I don't always handle change well, and I'm feeling that right now. Part of me is hoping he'll change his mind, but another knows that this is really going to happen and I can't stop it just by wishing. I'm sure there's a lesson in all this somewhere, and maybe one of these days I'll realize it, but right now, I'm just a bit down. Between my voice and this, today has just been the worst day all school year, I think.